Me Finding I: The Voices of Confusion

Right now, I’m in my 3rd year pursuing a Mechanical Engineering degree. For this 3rd year, I’m in a placement (internship) at a research centre. If you do not what is a placement, my university’s degree (in UK) offers us the option to pursue a one-year internship (which our Uni will assess as part of the degree) for the penultimate year of our degree.

I went to a dark place last year when I couldn’t seem to secure a placement… the thought of not being able to get a job in a career that wasn’t even my first choice (my first choice was art)??? I spiraled. I stopped living for anything – escaped my own life by tuning into hours of TV shows like the characters were my friends (and eating my weight’s worth of food everyday while at it), I did nothing else. No socializing, no work outs, no cooking… I was stagnant in front of my laptop, endless hours of TV shows. Not to mention, a complete mess.

I have always been a more hands-on/practical work over theoretical work gal. So, I was hoping a placement year would give me perspective on how I can make it work in this line of career (for the foreseeable future). One more month till the end of my placement, and the task that has excited me most? Was creating a promotional VIDEO for my projects. Yep, absolutely nothing to do with Engineering! I am interested in Engineering and its’ work, but it doesn’t… excite me. My colleagues can go on and on exchanging their views about each other’s projects but I often tune out. Is this a sign? That this unfulfilling feeling will be the death of me, slowly from inside out? A sign that I should make a change before it’s too late? I DON’T KNOW.

Have any of you felt this lost in direction? Or are you complacent?

Yes, I am afraid to even feel anymore because I am uncertain what is true anymore… especially when I start over-thinking: Am I really not passionate about Engineering? OR am I bored? OR just plain lazy? Am I actually just lazy to try harder? Because hey, there will always be parts of something we won’t like but we have to learn and do it anyway for the bigger picture. Am I just finding an excuse because I want an easy way out? Am I making this an excuse because this wasn’t my first choice and this way, I can pursue what I initially wanted thinking I’ve tried the latter to please others? Am I ignoring the signs because I’m afraid of listening to my heart to choose the less rational choice?

This is just me, not knowing what I feel but thinking out loud. Mind you, that is just ¼ of the questions of my over-analyzing doubts…

To boil it down, I’m either unwilling to move forward because of laziness or I’m just not passionate about Engineering. Should I just settle with Engineering or don’t give up on finding my true passion? What if Engineering isn’t so bad and I’m just being a lazy brat?

Thoughts, anyone? Any comments to these many questions swirling in my mind?

*Some comments on my tagging will be much appreciated too! Are my tags relevant enough? Or do you think there is better tags?



5 thoughts on “Me Finding I: The Voices of Confusion

  1. The good thing about Engineering, especially Mechanical, is that you can almost apply it anywhere! I’m sure after some searching around you can find an artistic outlet for the degree you’re obtaining. Normally I’d tell people to follow their hearts and passions, but since you’re already in your third year – why not do both? Find a way to combine the two?

    I know exactly how you feel, granted I’m a not as deep into the engineering field as you are just yet, but last semester I was really doubting my major for Chemical Engineering. I even tried to switch out, but at the time for registration of the next semester’s classes, it was too late, so I stuck with it. Now, after researching different concentrations within this major at my University, I found something that I’m truly passionate about and I don’t regret my choice of staying in ChemE. In fact, I probably would have regretted leaving it, if I did that is.

    Overall, yes you should follow your dreams and passions, but I do believe with ME you can most definitely do just that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that is one great thing about Engineering. I do like how it does require some innovation and creativity, and somehow, physics was one of the subjects which spoke to me in high school. Still, It is frustrating to see many of my peers from similar backgrounds being able to pursue their passions.
      I guess I’ve always been quite a fickle person, I like adventure and trying everything! (And that’s where studying in UK is not for me… the degrees are rigid, you don’t have the option to take electives!) I’ve tried many things, but never really mastered something. I’m hoping to find that something that will drive me! 😉
      Thanks a lot for hearing me out xx


  2. Pingback: Dear Readers, | Hums of Sum

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