Me Finding I: I Don’t Know

Since I am still in the progress of playing around with themes and stuff, I guess I will add and configure widgets when I have settled on one! So here’s a post in place of my day 6 (yes, I am aware that we’re on day 7!) task of blogging101…

It’s been a month since I turned 22 and I have never felt more lost, confused, afraid… and unsure of myself. I don’t know how to move forward…. I have been saying ‘I don’t know’ too much lately. I even feel like I don’t know myself anymore… who am I? And I am the kind of person who hates the unknown, I don’t need to have a five year plan or such… but I need to at least know which direction and what I’m working towards! A draft plan if you must, with contingencies. I need certainty. I need to be sure of myself. Looking back at the ‘About Me’ page I written 7 years ago, I used to have all of that self-assurance 3 years ago… I used to be happy.

I have one year to figure out my next step after I graduate. Is that enough time?

Will there be missed opportunities because I took this time off?

Did I mention how much I hate Facebook when going through a blinded phase like this? I wish I could blind myself towards Facebook, unfortunately, I need Facebook for certain updates on work and uni (societies etc.). I’m sure some of you will agree with me that Facebook is basically Photoshop for your… life. Either that or 80% of the people on my Facebook seems to be on their destined paths, achieving, pursuing their life fulfilling dreams… being awesome and HAPPY. I have never been more envious of people who have a sense of purpose, knowing what they want in life. Makes me feel like a non-achieving pathetic loser who is failing miserably at life…

I know, I shouldn’t be comparing my own life to other people, I’m still young (everyone says), I should live in the present and take it as it comes… I’ve heard it all and I’m aware of all of that on my own but like Stacie Orrico, I can’t seem to let it go. Can’t let go feeling like I’m missing something, I’m lacking…  that I’m not living to my fullest potential. I just need to do something that matters to me, whether or not I receive achievements and accolades won’t matter… And not knowing what matters to me is worrying and terrifying.

What woes do you have?

OH! I’ve thought of another title for this serial postings… “Me Finding I”, cause part of my real name is ‘Mei’. Get it? I’m finding myself to be whole again. What do you think? As the previous polling results were all for “Finding Mei” (only 4 people tho, come on! I can do better! Lol).

Endless as my questions are, endless as our pursuit of meaning of life… all I want is to be happy.

Can’t seem to let it go,
Sum.

16 thoughts on “Me Finding I: I Don’t Know”

  1. Pingback: Blogging 101, Day Eight: Be A Good Neighbor | rocksandy.com

  2. Hi Summer-Tan…I finally found some time to really check out your blog! This blogging101 course is keeping me swamped – but Wow! You have so much stuff and such thorough reviews. Now I know where to go when I miss the VMAs or an episode of Empire. I envy your busy-ness at it – I’m impressed by the vast array of topics!

    As for your indecisiveness – take a deep breath and tell yourself not to stress because everything always works out in the end in the way it’s supposed to, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Sorry for the cliches, but in my 50+ years I have seen solid evidence that everything happens for a reason and it is what it is, so just give it your best shot, follow the signs, go with the flow…..I’m probably missing a few good ones but you get the picture. See the good. I’m wishing you future clarity to get past this hurdle ;o)

    Oh, and I like Finding Mei – I like the ring of it. And i have a great friend whose name starts with Mei.
    Best!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahah, I did such reviews during my summer break. I won’t be doing an episode by episode, possibly season by season review but yeah, I am hoping to keep blogging about those 😉
      Thanks for the encouraging words and wishes. I truly hope so to… I believe if I keep trying, I’ll eventually find clarity and light again, right?
      Thanks and hope you stick around! xx

      Like

  3. Long ago there was an influential book “Passages” by Gail Sheehy. I never read it, but my understanding and interpretation of it (based on title and reviews) was that we all go through different phases in life. That has been my experience over the years as I have gone through my twenties, thirties, forties, and into my fifties…!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I like Me finding I because it makes me want to know “why?” And then I meet Mei!
    You remind “me of I” (ok, incorrect English) when I was 20 or so. To look at me then, I looked like I had it all together….college student with a profession in mind (somehow to help people), attractive (got asked out a lot and many proposals of marriage – but most were “losers” – guys who had no thought for their future, actually excelling in my college major (out of 40 applicants, I was one of six selected for cool summer intern assignment) while I struggled with depression and my inability to find an intimate relationship with meaning and a future! If you read one of my blogs, you’ll see I was to the point of jumping out a 14 story window….)
    Now, 40 + years later, I’ve been married 40 years to a really cool dude (he knocks my socks off nearly every day and I meet him months after my near suicide), I’m a retired FBI Agent (coolest job in the world in my opinion (for my skill set), I have a gorgeous daughter whose at the top of her chosen profession, she given birth to the coolest little boy I’ve ever known, and she’s about to pop out another baby! All this makes me VERY happy and my life is so full of JOY and the peace that passes understanding!
    I plan to follow your blog and watch you blossom! (I’ve not been successful in following some blogs for some reason….)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing your story =) I guess as long as we have the will and heart, we will find our way out of the darkness. I hope. A retired FBI agent? WHAAT? I may be over-stepping but how does one apply for such a job??? ;D ahaha.
      It’s great that you found happiness and joy now =) Thanks and really appreciate you sharing xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, it does take the will and heart to find the light! But some people get the light zapped on them (St. Paul on the Road to Damascus).
        I do downplay the retired FBI agent part….but it was 20 years of my adult life and now supports my retired lifestyle.
        To apply, you can check our the website: https://www.fbijobs.gov/home/
        It is very competitive, something like 60,000 apply every year and they only hire around 1,000 a year. Depends on the budget. They didn’t hire for three years so now they need to ramp it up as it’s left a gap in the numbers!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know, some people just seem to have a… lighted life? ahaha. WOW. I see… yeah, I watch too many TV shows and I always come out of it saying “I think I could be a badass agent” haha

          Liked by 1 person

  5. “Me finding I” is really clever, I like the words play, but “Finding Mei” has a really nice ring to it and is very easy to remember.
    I voted for “Finding Mei”, but felt a little bad when the poll results came up: it’s 50 – 50 now (I hate it when that happens), so I just made it not very helpful…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think Me finding I is very clever, but some might not get it without actually reading your blog, I think its still catchy without realising its Mei becoming whole. FWIW when I was 22 I could never have guessed I would marry a Japanese man, live in Japan and have a big family. You’ll find your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmmm thanks for that thought. Do you think without knowing the meaning behind it, it is a good one? Or should I stick with the simpler – Finding Me or Finding Mei?
      I hope so. I am learning to live one day at a time now, instead of one year and a time if you know what I mean. For someone who always knew what to expect, It is challenging to let it be and give in to some uncertainty!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know. Change used to haunt me, shake me to my very core. I have since embraced and gone the COMPLETE opposite. I mix it up at every given chance. I think my year abroad as an exchange student helped me overcome my fear of change and then when I came back here to work I started to seek out the change to challenge myself. 🙂 Yes, I prefer Me finding I… I forgot to vote, didn’t I. I will fix that now!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I really don’t mind change, I love adventure, but when I seem to be moving in no particular direction… and having to transition from my Uni bubble into the real working world… well, that’s freaking me out a bit (actually, a lot). But yes, up to the challenge and hope to overcome it all soon 😉 Thanks Elle! xx

          Liked by 1 person

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