It has been harder to rid these dark and pessimistic snide voices than I thought. What happened to the girl who lived her own life without comparing it to other people’s lives?
Whether it is my future, career, direction in life, love life, friendships etc, I seem to have become configured to anticipate the worst. I was never the most optimistic person (realist is more like it I suppose), but I was never this sad to be around either. I guess I can’t blame the people I thought who care about me for forgetting about me – no one likes to be around a wet blanket.
It’s been so long that I feel stranded in this darkness now.
“Nobody’s living like the way they should anymore. There’s gotta be more.”
“Lend me a helping hand because I’ve been treating your heaven like a one night stand.”
“You reap what you sow.” certainly applies for finding happiness. As valid as my feelings are, only I can help myself. Other people can only help to an extent. They can unlock me from this dark prison, but only I can choose to walk out of it, they cannot make or drag me. Instead of sulking in my own self-imposed prison where only I am at loss, I can fight to find light again because that is not the way any of us are supposed to be living. I need to fight off the darkness and fill my mind with light, so that I can live without regrets, knowing that I’ve given this life my all.
Happiness is a choice. As hard as it is, as much as it feels like I’m playing in the devil’s playground now, I need to constantly remind myself to stick to this choice and live my life and live in the present brightly. I need to at least try – because ultimately, only I can make that change. Even the devil should not be an excuse to live in darkness.