Me Finding I: One Way Street

When you’ve got nothing going on for you or have something putting you down, there should always be at least one place for you to find comfort in. Most of the time, it is times like these where we need a friend most. It is also times like these that make you realize how at the end of the day, you only got yourself.

There were times in the past 2 years I have been in a dark place for the longest time (I am starting to sound whiney and I hate it but hey, this is my haven from my negative thoughts). Everything just seemed to be against me. I was on a low and needed to talk to friends… not just any friend, but close friends which understood me. Sure, I had many friends back home and all around the world but only a handful of them were friends I entirely click with. These were friends which I was thick as thieves with at some point in my life. Naturally, you would think that they will be there for me at my beckon.

Oh how I felt like our bonds had become bygones. I am the kind of person who will not share my pain/sorrows until it reaches a certain point… and when that happened, I reached out to these close friends of mine who did not seem to respond to my woes and cries for help… this lead me to push everyone else and shut the world out. I guess I didn’t like feeling needy. I just continued on to lick my wounds in the shadow when it seemed like the world has turned and left me. I was lucky to have my sister and mother through that hard time. On my friends’ social media, I could see that they were having the time of their lives… and when it seems like I have been replaced. That stung.

It is those (very few) times that they would apologize and say things that hit close to my heart that won me back. I know I am loved but it is hard to believe that when I seem to have faded from their lives. Since my placement in Cambridge, I have been lucky enough to make a real good friend out of a colleague. Consequently, I became less needy, having Bdog around to share my recent thoughts and such with. However, I will still find myself trying to catch up and connect with my friends time to time. And you know what? Most of my text conversations with them appear to be me talking to no one. Not only were the replies still late, it was dawning on me that I was the only one making the effort – to initiate a conversation, to want to know what they have been up to… to ultimately want to keep in touch. The thought that loops in my mind – do they even think about me? Do they still care? Have I just become a memory that they cannot make room for in their present? Have we just grown apart? These thoughts of amounting to an insignificant being, that if I were to disappear tomorrow no one would take notice… it is upsetting and frightening. The not only do I not have any more social presence, but even faded from the lives of my friends.

Sometimes, I think that I should just let it go… but it is hard to let go because it is rare of me to meet people in sync with me. Still, I should not need to be trying this hard and getting hurt in the process. Do I have to scream and shout always to be heard? Must I always be the one to initiate things?

Even though this is a distant memory, it still stings… to feel forgotten by people you still value dearly, it’s the feeling of betrayal. Their lack of effort (and care) still reoccurs – even after my outburst and their apologies. People say you shouldn’t expect rewards in return for genuine acts of kindness. However, relationships are a two way street. Not to brag or make myself sound incredibly noble, but as far as I can remember, I have always been there for these friends and would run to their side when they needed help and a friend most… through thick and thin. Can they not return the favour?

“You broke both my legs and you asked me to stay, and all of the enemies trickled away. The lights on the stereo faded to grey, in the half light.”

I am a reasonable person. I am aware that we are all in our twenties where we are truly beginning our lives and thriving to realize our hopes and dreams, that they have their own lives to lead with new friends to care for. This reasoning would make me feel… guilty. Am I that selfish? Why am I so needy? The self-hatred piles on…

Just a passing memory,
Sum.

*Note to readers:

I’m sorry for the rant and I maybe starting to sound like a whiney drama queen… but these are thoughts that I bury and don’t share much. It helps that I have a place to vent and sort these feelings out. I genuinely hope that people who come across this can relate and know that it will get better, we will find a way to rid of these negative thoughts. When there’s a will, there’s a way. 

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