Me Finding I: Whats Upp? Unreplied Paranoia

How many text messages do you get from family/friends in a week (on average)?

How often do you chat/catch up with best friends who you do not see in your everyday life? How often do they reach out to you in comparison to you reaching out to them?

I used to be able to not feel like this when I am by myself, like I am unwanted, worthless, insignificant and forgotten. I didn’t even seem to mind, going on for days while occupying myself with many adventures and activities. Perhaps I was busy and occupied enough to not realize what I was lacking…

Again, social media is no help. I can see other friendships blossom and grow in the test of time and distant, I can see my friends making more new friends, I can see my friends still keeping in touch with others… I feel like no one gives a second thought about me anymore. Does anyone who I’ve crossed paths with ever wonder “what has she been up to in now?”,  “I’ve not seen or heard from her in years”

I have been fairly inactive on social media for the past 2 years now. I used to be pretty active – from updating my status, sharing lots of photos with friends, sharing my likes and dislikes etc. Is maintaining social presence pertinent to not being erased from other people’s lives? Recently, when I am out with my friends, their buzzing phone has made me realize – when was the last time any of my friends just said hi and genuinely just wanted to know how was I just because? Their Whatsapp is pretty happening to many on-going conversations with many different friends. I look at mine… I have the last word in almost all of those conversations (is it even a conversation if it seems to be just me talking to myself 80% of the time?).

In this tech age, you would expect prompt replies but there are times (most of the time) that I would only get replies a week (even a month!) later! For someone who does not have a constant friend physically beside her, this is all the more frustrating. There is truly hollowness in my life for not having someone to share something that happens in the moment, I felt all the more alone and pathetic. It is like feeling alone in a crowd – the first minute, I’ll be in glee and enjoying the moment… until my eyes lay on couples or people being able to enjoy their moment with someone. There was a time that I could care less about comparing my life to others… I miss that version of me.

Things change, people grow, people age, people move on… rarely anything is constant in this fast paced era of ambitious generation me (a supposedly more confident, assertive and entitled bunch who chase after big dreams). At the end of the day, the only constant in your life is yourself. Like my friend told me, “I just tell myself to suck it up.” Just because people do not keep in touch anymore, just because I’m “blessed” with friends who are too preoccupied to make the effort to keep in touch… does not mean they do not care anymore. We all have our lives to lead. Instead of dwelling on what was, look forward on what could be if you take things more lightly. As hard and awkward as it can get, I got to keep putting myself out there and I will keep meeting people I can connect with if I give myself more credit, and people the benefit of the doubt.

My acceptance of this harsh fact of life is the first step, but my mind and heart aren’t always one, those hurt feelings still linger. As I dive into looking at possibilities instead of lost, here’s to hoping I can be completely rid of this hollowness and repel this dark negativity, focus on myself and find the joy in experiences from flying solo.

“So little time,
Try to understand that I’m
trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name,
but everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.”

(Clearly a) Victim of the Whatsapp Blue Double Tick,
Sum.

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