Me Finding I: Dead Hearts are Everywhere

We can’t help feeling what we feel.

People who don’t understand depression downplay it to our imagination. They would say “Why are you torturing yourself with these thoughts? Why do you want to do this to yourself? Just think happy thoughts.” Because we can’t control what we feel or comes to mind. Either that or they try to understand and say that it’s easy to come out of, that they’ve done it…

“I could say it but you won’t believe me.
You say you do but you don’t deceive me.”

I’m not going to lie. I slumped even more when my friends shared their experiences and how they got out of those darker times. Because it made me feel more alone, that no one understood what I was going through. Even if it wasn’t their intention, it also felt like they were downplaying my emotions, making me feel like I was inflicting this pain on myself all by myself. It is frustrating, and even more devastating to feel deserted. Now when I look back at it, even if their situation was different than mine, at least they are trying to be sympathetic. On top of that, am I not doing the exact same thing? Undermining their emotions and past pain? So do not repel their genuine care when your misery is worrying them, especially since they have thrown you a life line.

Even if everyone goes through individual experiences, believe me when I say this – there is someone out there who is going through the exact same motions (maybe worse) as you. You’ll be lucky if you come across these people (which I kind of did from blogging). Even if you don’t, be blessed with those who care about you.

“They were kids that I once knew.
Now they’re all dead hearts to you.”

Our pain – present or past, can never be extinguished altogether. It does change us, significantly or not, as it stains everything we see and do. Instead of living in fear, being haunted by this pain, learn from it and become stronger. We all deserve to live without regret and fear, it is then that we can truly reconcile with our past actions.

I know, easier said than done. It’s all in your head. I’ve been trying to keep reminding myself of a few things whenever the shadows reappear:

1. Don’t look back and despair

There’s a reason why we call it the past, because that’s where it should stay, especially when there’s a present to live in and a future to look forward to. Comparing with something better may be good for healthy competition or motivation, but that does not apply to this. All good things come to an end, and when we reminiscent too much on the past, it tends to allude us into thinking it was better than the present. Focus on the now. It’s nice to have good memories but there is no need to dwell on it.

2. Change is unavoidable

I’ve probably mentioned this too many times: things can’t always be the same as much as we love to. It is ever-moving and ever-changing. We grow, we experience, we change… life is a journey indeed. And sometimes, this changes our feelings and what we think. This affects the existing dynamic and relationship we have as harsh as it sounds. Just got to accept it because you can’t force things, it is out of your control. Change could be a beautiful thing, embrace it even if it scares you.

3. Dead Hearts are Everywhere

Where there is darkness, there is light. Yin and Yang. Life is hard that way. Just because the other exists, does not mean we have to subject ourselves to it. Besides, if there isn’t the bad, we would not be able to come to appreciate the good.

I am finding the balance. I am unwilling to be conquered by darkness any longer… if you are in the same black hole, I hope that you’ll fight for that balance too.

Restarting my heart,
Sum.

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