Me Finding I: I Don’t Need to Join the Swarm

The feeling of abandonment and emptiness still lingers. I have been trying ever so hard to focus on the good. I suppose what I need to do is take thing more lightly, and have my ideals burnt to the ground.

From my solo Europe travel, I think I am coming to terms with the way of life and human nature. That in this world, as much as we try, things isn’t always picture perfect like a model home – especially if you spread your wings to venture into new territories like me, learning and finding my way to an independent future and life in a foreign land. I feel like I have good reason to hold on to good friendships, but I can’t expect things to be the way they were. Knowing is half of it, accepting the reality is most of it. Accepting that things change because hey, live would be monotonous and boring if it didn’t.

How/What am I doing it in terms of accepting things?

1. In the Moment

Instead of looking at things long term, appreciate those around you. Instead of thinking “I will be gone in a year, what is the point of fostering strong bonds and friendship when I have to go through the pain of leaving again?”, think – you only have this much time to spend it with these interesting individuals, enjoy, have fun and make memories with them. All things come to an end, like I say, life is ever-changing. So live in the moment, and love the ones you’re with instead of pining for the ones that aren’t with you. It’s only your loss when other people are enjoying their time, so do yourself a favour and be happy!

2. Joys of Flying Solo

Not many people can be content with doing things alone and the fact that we’re a generation that seems to live off attention and peer approval, people don’t seem to see the joys in flying solo anymore. Left and right, there will be couples hand in hand or a group of young mates chattering together. Like I said before, I used to be perfectly content with doing things on my own because it is things I WANT to do. For me, whether it is enjoying fine art or exploring a new city, the experience can be as rewarding as sharing it with someone. How so? Well, you need not care about whether the other person is enjoying the experience or not. You can allow your thoughts to wonder and truly feel what you’re feeling as you won’t be influenced by another person’s opinion. As cliché as this sounds, it is a freeing and empowering feeling.

Of course, I am not saying to become a loner. As independent as one we can be, we still need human contact – people to talk to and be loved by. Trust me, you could go crazy if you don’t, the feeling of being alone in a crowd will be ever present and blaring in your head. What I’m saying is you don’t always need someone to have fun. If you have something you’ve always wanted to do but can’t find someone to share with it, you can do it solo!

“I need to be alone
I need to be alone
I don’t need to be with someone
I don’t need to join the swarm

3. Be Realistic, Be Understanding

So, does the fact that my friends seem to regard me less and less in their lives still bother me?

Yes it does. Some friends can stay in touch either because they can make the effort, or they still have not found their footing or comfort in their existing circle of friends. However, social butterflies make it harder. Friends who know me (I’m going to sound like a baby for another minute), know that I dislike sharing my close friends. I do get jealous but I won’t get excessively creepy or possessive, I wouldn’t act upon it. Most of my close friends seem to be the kind of people who is generally lovable and is easily everyone else’s close friend. And this gets especially harder with distance. How am I ridding of these sour thoughts? A note to self (and you if you are in the same shoes as me):

You may not be the most important person/closest friend to them anymore if you’re someone who is now less present in their daily life, but as long as they still care and love you, that’s what matters, because the best of friends can pick up where they left off.

Live it your way and fill the world with love even if all it spits back at you is hate.

I think I’m more able to take things lightly now with this. I have been able to still check in and chat with them without getting butt hurt about who initiated it and how long it takes for them to reply. As long as I feel like it, and it is me that cares, I should not expect or obsess over whether I receive something in return. As dark as this may sound, life isn’t always fair – there is not always a give and take. Live it your way and fill the world with love even if all it spits back at you is hate.

“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the ones you’re with.”

I guess you either grow a bigger heart to be able to continue caring for them despite not receiving as much in return, OR you cut them loose, because nothing is worth inflicting pain upon yourself. If it comes down to the latter, learn to love the ones you’re with because while we moan about what we lack/lost, we often don’t realize how ignorant to how what/who we have… break that cycle!

Love yourself and love it all,
Sum.

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2 thoughts on “Me Finding I: I Don’t Need to Join the Swarm

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