No New Year’s Day, to celebrate…

Well, 2018 has finally rolled to a close! 2018 kind of crept on by for me, and I’m again terrified and excited for a new year, a supposed checkpoint for fresh starts and letting bygones be bygones.

Happy New Year to my (probably non-existent) readers! YES, I am WELL AWARE we are a day away from February as I post this… but hey, it’s my first post of 2019. (And hey, I’m ahead of the CHINESE New Year still… heh) So, how did you usher in 2019? A countdown party? Popping champagne? A kiss? However it was, I hope it was with a bang! Me? Well, I slept at 9pm only to wake up at 11:50pm just to send New Year greetings to friends in the same time zone. That was because I had to wake up again at 2am for a 3am bus to the airport to send off my mum. So, my first day of 2019 was definitely bittersweet.

This New Year’s Eve and day, one thing I noticed was that whether it was 12am in UK or elsewhere, I seem to be the one to wish my friends first. What I mean is, I wasn’t on the receiving end of a greeting from anyone first (not including group chats of course), that I was the initiator in almost every conversation. That dark cloud of loneliness was cast onto me as I think long and hard about who is my “person” – the Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey (or vice versa), who would I ask to be my maid of honour when I get married and whether my cousin’s mere comment to me last year on how some people are just meant to be single will apply to me for more years to come…

I know how childish it all sounds, that I have this need for a BFF where the feeling is mutual. A friendship so close that where we are each other’s go-to person for everything and anything. I have handful of friends who are my go-to person, but each seem to be specifically for different times/things. And yes, while I know that these friends care for me, I unconsciously ponder how much I value our friendship is seemingly  inequivalent to how much they value it being that I am not their first (or even top 5) go-to person when they have good or bad news. As much effort as I put into maintaining the close friendships I have, it often doesn’t feel fully reciprocated. Yet, I still do my best in keeping these friendships because it’s once in a blue moon that I come across people I click with these days, as I become less sociable and more introverted. And also, yes, they still care enough to check in with a “how are you?” on some random mundane occasions when I cross their minds.

“In fact here’s just another ordinary day”

Perhaps it really is my own fault that I do not have a “person” for a while now. My jumping from one job to another, one city to another, moving between countries… not staying put in one place for more than a year, most of my friendships become long distance. Sure, I had a long distance friendship which lasted a year till I returned… then shit hits the fan. That does show that long distance best friends do exist tho! And it doesn’t help that I don’t have a close friend in my vicinity at the moment. Throughout the past 5 years, having been through periods of social isolation, I will say it is true that human social interaction is a necessity.

It seems the thought of not being anyone’s (who isn’t my mum or dad) number 1 (or top 10) just dawned on mesignificant I am in this world – that it might take a few days for someone I know to notice should something dire happen to me. It sounds juvenile but come on, I’m sure most of us can rank how important/significant our friends are to us to some degree, even if it’s in groups or categories. Isn’t it funny that as kids, we can be blunt about this, yet we have to tip-toe and be shy about it as adults?

“But what it is, is something true.

Made up of these three words that I must say to you”

Big picture: It’s not often that “you’re my BFF” is a mutual feeling. On top of that, nothing in life is constant – people move away, people change, people drift apart… things happen. It seems I now yearn for some little ounce of consistency (and certainty) in my transient and open-ended life for the past few years. I may not form new deeper level friendships (or relationships), or have an existing close friend become “my person” in 2019, but I do hope that in 2019, I will socialise more and at least have friends in my vicinity that I can call for a coffee, a pint or even a trip! Even so, I will continue to cherish the handful of close friends I have that are scattered across the globe, and be more considerate and appreciative of my family.

May your 2019 be better and filled with more love and adventure than 2018, together with your person that just calls you to say he/she cares and loves you.

Do you have a BFF that is attached to the hip with you? Had you had a few BFFs in your life? Did the decision of who will be your maid of honour/best man took 1 second or are you still thinking about it? Share your thoughts with me! Come on, don’t be shy now 😉

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